Chapter 1(3 days of love)

September 27, 2011, 10:00 AM I woke up. I took my phone from the couch; saw the screen and I was shocked. 55 missed calls and 10 messages all from the same number. I asked myself “whose number is this?” it was not registered on my phone. I read one of the messages first saying “Pang, andito ako sa terminal kahit di ka magreply itutuloy ko to”. I told myself “What? Si mamang I thought she was just bluffing about what she told me yesterday” but then even with shivering knees I called her “ok mang if that’s your decision I’ll support you cause I know you cant be stop from making that decision. I love you”. She went from Davao to General Santos, 3 hours of being a passenger in a bus. I kept on thinking if what will happen to us if she’ll arrive here in bacolod. Hey! She’s really strong indeed in making that decision. I just waited, I cant move because I’m really worried. I don’t know what to do so I just stayed at home thinking and planning if what will I do. Then it came to mind, I took my wallet saw a few paper money and count it. I just arrived from IloIlo after taking the board exams on September 25, 2011. When she arrived in gen san, she asked a few people if how she will get into the pier. Some would try to fool her but thank God a few good Samaritans guided her how to get there. She arrived there and bought a ticket. It was from General Santos to Zamboanga to Bacolod. It was a long way indeed. We are still calling each other, checking up on her and ask her information regarding the time of the departure of the ship. She told me it is 11 PM. While she was on the pier, I’m at home. I talked to my mom and asked her  if its okay that we can stay here at the house if she will arrive but it came to my mind that I should not do it because I know at the first place my mom is not yet ready for this kind of thing. As a respect to her I didn’t.

She was still on the pier, were still calling each other. She told me that the ship was delayed and it will arrive mid morning. I was worried about her. I know she’s not the kind of woman who will stay up late. Good thing another group of good people was there. They were from different places (manila, iloilo, bacolod, zamboanga). They were the ones who are keeping my pangga company. Making sure that she’s eating at the right time and asking her if she’s ok. According to her the ship arrive 2 in the morning Superferry20. She’s very happy because she can finally sleep. They boarded, it left gen san 5 in the morning. As for me, I want to be with her but im stuck here on the 4 corners of my house in Bacolod. I slept but my consciousness is still awake worrying about her. After boarding she called me again, telling me that she has her own bed and she’s getting ready to sleep. “Thank God she’s Okay!”

September 28, 2011, I woke up 9 in the morning. I’m trying to call her. Her phone is out of reach. My heart is pounding and I’m getting nervous. So I took my bag, dressed up while praying that she’s ok. I went out to see my mom then we separated. I searched for a boarding house where she could stay, I looked everywhere. See every corner if it’s a safe place to stay. Then I remembered, I knew someone who has a boarding house. I went there I saw the landlady and told me that there is a vacancy so I reserved it. After that I bought a few things for her (necessities). I went home and took a few things (pillows, bed sheets, etc.) and put it in the bag. Late in the afternoon she contacts me. Informed me that there is no signal in the ship.

On the next day, September 29, 2011, 9AM her arrival. I washed myself, dressed up, put on my best shirt and brought my two big back packs. I took off from my home. I arrived in Bredco port at the exact time of her arrival. I saw her immediately, one hand on her phone and have two bags. When I saw her there is no “ilang” feeling. It feels like I have known her my whole life. The first thing that I told her is “let’s go?” She just looked at me and bid goodbye to the group of people who helped her on the ship “andito na sundo ko, babye salamat te”. We rode on a tricycle; she sat on the front sit and me? Im on the back sit hugging her. Suddenly I realized, “I really do love her even were from a long distance relationship”. After riding the tricycle, we rode on the jeepney to the boarding house. Ate gigi (the landlady) helped us on our way to the room. The place was nice, my baby’s room mates was nice. They were all girls on that place so I have nothing to worry about. We talked for a little bit and asked her, “have you contacted them?” she answered “not yet”. I told her “just contact them so they won’t worry”. I kissed her, she kissed me back and we hugged for the first time. It was the most wonderful thing God ever made. I was so in love with her. From then on were together. After dinner I just went home I left her there so she can rest.

September 30, 2011. 6 AM she called me telling me that she’s not feeling well. So I immediately stepped unto it and came rushing to her. I woke her up with a hug “baby please wake up I’m here, up na breakfast tayo tapos inom ka ng gamot”. We ate our breakfast after that I let her drink the medicine. Then after a few hours she’s ok. I stayed on her side and never leave. Being with her is everything to me. Feeling her love is what keeping me alive. Even the strongest feeling could never equal the feeling of being in love. We have a lot of moments together. Looking at her face to face makes me realize how beautiful life is. Without her everything is empty. If its empty, its just like throwing myself especially my heart in a big null void. Now that I have seen her, took a long glance at her everything was so perfect.

While we were together she can never deny she misses her family. After all she’s still a baby. Even the slightest or small action of loneliness is visible to me. While she was talking to her family she just cant help it but cry. I comforted her and asked her if this is what she really wanted. She answered me while holding my face with her two hands “I’m going to reflect later baby ok? dontworry about me I love you so much”. Then I feel at ease, she left home because she wanted time for herself, she wanted to make her own decision without any contradictions. On that afternoon of September 30. I went out to search for work but no luck I returned to her. I broke down, I felt sad so she hugged me really tight and keeps on reminding me that I should be strong in every way that this is only the beginning giving up is never an option. I felt great after that, she supported me all the time. During that time she just finished washing some of her clothes. I looked at her hands its getting irritated so I kissed it. Then we kept on laughing and telling her “hayahay ka mamang”. We had a great time “nagkukulitan”, “nagbibiruan”, “nagbabaliwan”. Yes! She’s my soul mate.

On that night I did not went home because she told me that she finally decided and her mom is coming the next day. So I stayed with her “foodtrip”, “kulitan”, “pictures like mental patients”. We have each other and every little thing becomes big and beautiful. It was time to sleep so we hugged each other til morning.

October 1, 2011. It was the day that her mom is supposed to get her so I did not left. We stayed together, treasured all the moments and make each other feel that no matter what happens till the end of time only death can separate us. I can never forget that she’s always treating me like a baby that I have her in whatever situation. I feel so safe when I’m with her. I admit I became a better person because of her. One thing which she told me “you changed a lot you’re becoming a responsible person”. How can I not be? The most important woman in my life is with me, I could never take her for granted nor leaving her on the sidewalk. On that night I went home. Her mom is coming on the next day 6 am. I cried but thanked God.

3 days of love, 3 days of being with her is the most perfect moment he has allowed to give me. I can let myself die now but I can’t. I promised her that I’ll stay alive for her. As long as I live, she’ll be the perfect girl whom I’m gonna love for the rest of my life.

Chapter 2(Misunderstanding and flaws)

We have a lot of arguments for the past month. We even reached the point that we broke up and ended crying for the reason that could be sorted out if we have just let our guards down. You have tried to continue with your life, live a different way with your family. Even being link to a person near your place and I admit that I was hurt so much. You’re already moving on “daw”. Working hard everyday makes you feel occupied. Me, on the second hand I went out, I became irresponsible. I spend my time drinking and lurking anywhere just to try to forget you. I cant do it, I cant forget you. Its just like living in world without my heart and soul. Without you is like selling my soul to the devil without payment. Its bad, really bad. Can you imagine it we broke up? We never had each other for the past couple of weeks because of miscommunication, adjustments, changes and pride. Lets admit our mistakes, we’re just two people who got hurt and tried to find love just like the love we felt from the day we held each other. I’ll be telling you everything from this note. A couple of hours ago we talked, burst out and we became honest with each other. We let ourselves treat each other like best friends(were always that way we just forgot).

From the time you left, everything changed for me, I don’t have anywhere to go to. I was lost, I was drunk, I became reckless and become a jerk to my family. I even tried to play with someone but I cant do it. It rips my heart because you are the only person that my heart is longing for. I was not able to understand you for the way you adjust yourself in your new place. You have a new job but I did not understand why would you not communicate with me. You’re thinking that you will just give me problems because your uncle wont accept me. You’re scared that It might be hard for me to understand. Until I found out the other account. I thought you have someone else that’s why you left me. I felt that I was crushed, fooled and played with. Well I was wrong, good thing you explained to me everything about the complicated situation that you are in right now. I was about to forget about you but you know what? I REALLY CANT DO IT. I really cant because If I really love you I would rather hear you out and understand the scenario. It proves that I AM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU. You also found out that I’m fooling around from the past couple of days that were not together but GOD I AM SO THANKFUL YOU ALSO NEVER LEFT MY SIDE AND FOUGHT FOR ME.

We adjusted ourselves with each other again. We’re learning to forget about the pain that we have experienced from each other’s miseries. We took one last glance from the past and welcomed our future but especially for now our present. I am willing to stay with you forever and for eternity. I may be very corny and old school but love has brought me into this. God has made plans for us. He had planned everything and I am thankful that she made you as my soul mate. SHE MADE YOU AS MY BETTER HALF. I am also happy that you are starting to introduce me to your family especially your mom. You just don’t know if how much happiness it made me feel. Can’t forget the day I saw your mom just like you a kid. A very kind woman who is faithful with her partner. By the way you inherited that from your mom. I love you my princess. You know who you are MRS. CARLA MAE GAY

Chapter 3(Love always finds way back home)

I don't know if I can make the same stories just like three years ago. Everything changed after that moment. Three years ago was the perfect love that I have ever experienced. I never knew until now that adventures could really end especially love. It was 2011 when it happened. My 3 days of love, 3 days of adventure with the woman I treated as my soul mate. I will admit that during those times. I am really young, I'm still on a stage that I cannot bare losing someone who gave everything to me. Well, yeah everything! Because she even had sacrificed her family for me. Maybe other people would tell me that I'm stupid because I let her go. Before anything else, I will tell you another adventure before ours ended.

It was the first month of 2013. I just got a job from a really good company in Bacolod City. It was pretty awesome because I can do whatever I want. I got big wad of cash every pay day. Damn! it was nice but I'm not contented. I feel so lonely, I feel terrible, I want to begin my transition and get out from this body. Anyway, 2013 is the year that I had accepted that I am a female to male transgender. I thought I was a lesbian but apparently I'm not. If you still don't have the idea if what it is. I would like to advice to google it first. Now, my partner, let's just keep her identity private from now on and give her the codename "maii". Starting that year our relationship is already on the edge. Maybe because of the distance, maybe because of our two separate lives. She's already working in a BPO company. We still continue our communication but I hate to admit it, it's really not that exciting anymore. On February 2013, something came in my mind. I said to myself; I want to do something exciting, I want to get away from this place, leave everything and start a new life. So, I saved some of the money that I got from the company and then decided to resign. I called her and said to her "Pupunta ako jan maii, let's be together. I know it's risky and once again I'm being impulsive but I want to be with you. I want you to guide me in my transition as well to become male. I miss you so much and for the past year that I'm not with you it's just like our relationship is sinking." Without any second thoughts I went to the pier and inquire about the fare. I paid it in full and set the date of my departure. It was five days before the day that I'll be leaving. I cried and cried every night because I do not know if I did the right thing but there's no turning back. It was my mom's birthday Feb 20, 2013. I spent all of my remaining time with her. Bought her a cake, a rose and I cooked something nice for her. It was the first time that I did that. I can see on my moms face that she's really happy. How I love to see her smiling while receiving my gift for her. I cherished the moment, talked to her almost everything about under the sun. Then, I cannot forget what she told me. She had a dream about my lola, and on that dream my mom lost something precious but my lola told her that she doesnt have to worry because it will be returned. After she told me that story I got goosebumps. I don't want to assume but in my head it is me. I'm leaving tomorrow without her consent. I know she'll worry and leave her with a heavy heart.

The day has come, Feb 21, 2013. I went to the pier. I already packed all of my necessities. The ship left 10 in the evening, I stayed on the assigned bed in the ship for passengers for almost 24 hours. Then we arrived in Cagayan de Oro. I rode the tricycle and reached the terminal that will go to Davao City. Waited another 7 to 10 hours for us to reach our destination. Maii is always texting me making sure that I am okay. She told me that she had found a room for rent for the both of us and paid it also for a month. While I was riding that bus I said to myself; "God this is it! The real world! I don't know if what will this bring me. I don't know what to do next. I left home to be with her and begin a new life." The bus had stopped. I'm now in Davao City. My lover and my soulmates place. As I stepped down the bus I saw her. It is 1am, She's Standing there looking beautiful as ever. We hugged and kissed. Then we rode the tricycle that she had rented. Then, we went to the place where we are going to stay in Sandawa. As we enter the room, I can't help myself I put all my things down. Started kissing her, touched her face as if I'm memorizing every part of it. My feelings came back in an instant. I realized it is because of the distance. I'm longing for her every day. Just like the first time we met. My love, my everything, the only person that I want to be with forever. I enjoyed every day with her as if there's no tomorrow. She allowed me to meet her family. I was really nervous. I'm all sweaty and my heart is pounding. "What if they won't like me? What if they'll tell me to leave their daughter alone? What ifs?" We went to a restaurant, her family is there. Her two moms and her only brother. Her brother and I was already talking on skype before so were already close. I met her moms and from the looks of it they're really fierce but I was wrong. We talked, I waited for them to tell me something bad but it was different. We laughed, we enjoyed those moments and I can feel that they're accepting me as part of their family. As their daughter's boyfriend.

I decided to go job hunting. I was lucky enough to get a job in a BPO Company. Believe it or not her mom helped me in completing my papers. I started working, unfortunately maii was not able to pursue her work because she'll be going back to school. On March 2013. We decided to transfer room and it is a good decision because the first room that we rented was too expensive. My testosterone for my transition had already arrived as well. I'm living the dream. I started my shots on March 25, 2013. The changes were all starting. My voice dropped, I'm starting to feel different in terms of confidence, my female features is starting to fade, I'm getting comfortable on my own skin. The only problem is I'm beginning to feel depressed. I do not know if it's the effects of the shots or I'm just starting to miss home really really bad. My mom, my brothers and my dog. I do not have any news about them. Then my miseries started. Even though maii had done everything to make me feel better. She's always beside me, making sure that I get to eat three times a day, fulfil all my desires, her mom is also cooking for me. What a lucky guy I am. I have the perfect wife and a family that accepted me despite of my gender identity.

April 2013 I became miserable, I lost my job, lost all my money, and some of my valuable things. Every time maii would go home to her family. I'll go out just walking in the middle of the night then go back. Thinking about taking my own life. Writing letters about death. It lasted for a month and a half. I'm still trying to find a job and two companies had already accepted me but there was no date if when I will start (which is really weird). Maii is still not giving up on me. Everytime I break down. She would do her best just to make me feel that everything is going to better. Her family finally decided to take me in, in their home. At first It's really awkward because I feel worthless, useless and I can’t do anything right. I tried to help them at home. I get to sleep beside my wife, in her room. Without any contradictions or doubts from her parents. Her family is really nice. Every Sunday is family day. We get to go to the church together, have a picnic and they treated me as one of their own. One night her mom talked to me. She gave me an advice, she told me "Life is really not that hard but if you left your parents with a heavy heart then no matter what you do you will never be successful". That advice really blew my mind. After a couple of days. I had finally decided.

June 2013, I talked to my brother for the first time. I apologized to him and I was surprised about his reply. I thought he's going to be mad but he responded very sweet. He said he loves me that he's begging for me to come home, that mom is really worried and we are the only family left so why would we leave each other behind. I really don't know what to say to him. I'm just thankful that in spite of my mistakes they are still ready to accept me. That night I also talked to maii, she said "Whatever your decision is I will support you and I'm still gonna love you". I hugged her really tight. The next day, I talked to my brother again. I told him that I am ready to come home. He's really happy but I started to tell him that I'm also hoping that he'll accept me for me. My brother sent me a plane ticket through email. It was June 10, 2013 and the departure date on my ticket is on June 12, 2013.  "God, that fast?!" Maii cried the whole night. I stayed beside her. This time I am the one comforting her, assuring her that nothings gonna change. We hugged each other the whole night. Finally, she fell asleep.

June 12, 2013. I'm finally leaving Davao City. The place where I had experienced life's trials. Her family, took me to the airport 6 in the morning. I bid goodbye to them. I feel really bad that I have not done anything good for them. I feel bad because they have to go through all those troubles just to take care of me but felt really bad because I will leave my one true love again. The only woman who never gave up on me. When I'm weak she's always there, when I'm down she picked me up, when I look bad she would fixed me up. I came home. My mom hugged me so tight and everything went back to normal. Another weird thing. The companies where I applied in Davao is starting to communicate with me and giving me the dates if when I must start my job. So back to the olde "Long distance relationship". After two months, I broke up with her. Telling her that I cannot take it anymore. That our relationship is not working anymore because of LDR. I cannot handle it so we have to end it. She cried, she cursed me but after a couple of months we talked and finally she forgave me. We have each other again and this time it will last forever. Love always find its way back home. And I'm finally home, with her.